Parlay: Akron Zips VS UAB Blazers 2025-09-13

UAB Blazers vs. Akron Zips: A Statistical Car Crash with a Side of Comedy

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare for a game that might as well be titled “How to Lose at Football: A Masterclass.” The University of Alabama at Birmingham (UAB) Blazers host the Akron Zips on September 13, and if you’re hoping for a defensive showdown, you’ve come to the right place—assuming “defensive” means “statistically likely to let the other team score 40 points.”

Parsing the Odds: A Tale of Two Disasters
Let’s start with the basics. UAB’s offense is a statistical rollercoaster: 466.5 yards per game (31st), 38 points per game (40th), and a red-zone efficiency that allows opponents to score 100% of the time (91st). Their quarterback, Jalen Kitna, is having a “star power, zero control” season (551 yards, 4 TDs, 2 INTs), while running back Jevon Jackson churns out 232 yards and 3 TDs. But here’s the kicker: UAB’s defense is the football equivalent of a sieve. They allow 488.5 yards per game (131st) and 40 points per game (129th). In short, they’re the reason your mom says, “Honey, close the window—it’s letting in the outside.”

Akron, meanwhile, is the NFL’s version of a “mystery team.” Their offense averages 201.5 yards per game (134th) and, get this, 0.0 points per game (136th). Yes, zero. Their quarterback, Ben Finley, completed 7 of 21 passes for 54 yards in their last game—a performance so lackluster, even the referees checked their watches. Their rushing attack? 101 yards per game (117th). On defense, they give up 577 yards per game (135th) and have a red-zone scoring rate of 0% (135th). If Akron’s offense were a toaster, it’d need a wake-up call just to pop bread.

News Digest: Injuries, Penalties, and a Side of Embarrassment
UAB’s recent loss to Navy (38-24) showcased their inconsistency: Kitna threw for 304 yards but doubled up on interceptions, while receiver Corri Milliner had a 100-yard TD. It’s the football version of “I’ll have the salad… and also 10 extra helpings of regret.”

Akron’s 68-0 loss to Nebraska was so惨 that the Zips’ 19.5 penalties per game (3rd-worst in FBS) probably cost them more yards than Nebraska’s offense. Their running back, Sean Patrick, had 90 rushing yards… and zero touchdowns. Zero. In case you were wondering, Akron’s red-zone futility is like trying to score in a game of chess where the king is invisible.

The Humor: Because Football Needs It
Let’s be real: UAB’s defense is so porous, they’d let a stiff breeze score a touchdown. Their -3 turnover margin is like a magician who forgets where they put the rabbit. Akron’s offense? They’re the reason the term “zero-point special” was coined. If their red-zone scoring rate were a lightbulb, it’d be out.

Here’s the kicker: UAB’s 38-point average vs. Akron’s 0-point average. If this game were a boxing match, it’d be the equivalent of a heavyweight facing a training dummy. The only thing more predictable than UAB winning is your Aunt Karen’s insistence that “football is too violent” after this game.

Same-Game Parlay: The Unbeatable Combo
Given the numbers, the best same-game parlay is a UAB -11.5 spread and Under 53.5 total. Here’s why:
- UAB -11.5: With Akron’s offense statistically incapable of scoring, UAB’s 38-point average makes the spread look like a formality.
- Under 53.5: Combine Akron’s 0-point offense with UAB’s leaky defense (they allow 40 points per game), and you get a total that’ll stay well south of 53.5.

The implied probability? UAB’s -11.5 line suggests a 55% chance to cover, while the Under 53.5 has a 52% chance. Together, it’s a parlay with ~28% implied odds—reasonable given the statistical gulf.

Final Prediction
UAB by 21, Under 53.5 total.
Why? Because Akron’s offense is a broken VCR that only plays static, and UAB’s defense is a broken screen door. This game isn’t close—it’s a statistical inevitability. Unless Akron invents the football version of a Hail Mary… and also learns how to throw it.

Place your bets, grab popcorn, and enjoy the comedy of errors. The Zips are here to lose, and the Blazers are here to… well, not be Akron.

Created: Sept. 8, 2025, 8:42 a.m. GMT