Parlay: Dallas Cowboys VS Los Angeles Rams 2025-08-09

Dallas Cowboys vs. Los Angeles Rams Preseason Opener: A Parlay of Chaos and Comedians

Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round for the most thrilling 60 minutes of American football this side of a TikTok dance-off. The Dallas Cowboys, fresh off a coaching change that’s smoother than a TikTok transition, face the Los Angeles Rams in their 2025 preseason opener. Let’s break this down with the precision of a quarterback who doesn’t throw picks… or maybe just Jimmy G.

1. Parse the Odds: A Numbers Game for the Uninitiated
The Cowboys are a slight favorite (-1.5 spread) across most books, but the Rams are tantalizingly priced at +2.5 (-115) on BetRivers. That’s your golden ticket if you’re a sucker for underdogs (and who isn’t?). The over/under is locked at 33.5 points, with the over priced at ~1.95 (decimal) and the under at ~1.87.

Implied probabilities? Let’s do the math:
- Rams +2.5 (-115): Implied probability = 150 / (150 + 100) = 60%.
- Over 33.5: At decimal 1.95, that’s 51.28%.

Combined, this parlay (Rams +2.5 AND Over 33.5) has a 30.7% implied probability. If you can find 30.7% juice on a parlay, you’re already winning.

2. Digest the News: Backup QBs, Banged-Up Lines, and a Sieve for Defense
Dallas Cowboys:
- Will Grier, the “NFL’s Most Improved Comedian” (after a career riddled with interceptions), gets the start. His 2024 stat line? A masterclass in “How to Throw a Pick-Six While Tripping Over Your Own Feet.”
- The offensive line is “banged up,” which is NFL code for “we’re fielding a team of grandpas who think ‘protection’ means a walking cane.”
- Defense? The 2024 unit struggled against the pass like a vegan at a steakhouse.

Los Angeles Rams:
- Jimmy Garoppolo and Stetson Bennett form a backup QB duo so deep, it’s like the Rams stole the Harlem Globetrotters’ bench. Garoppolo’s arm is still functional; Bennett’s mobility could make a cheetah blush.
- The Rams’ defense? A sieve. Last year, they allowed passes like a leaky faucet. With Dallas’ porous line, expect a buffet of sacks and hurried throws.
- Depth? The Rams have Blake Corum and Jordan Whittington to gash the Cowboys’ defense. Think of them as NFL’s answer to “entree” and “dessert” after a defense served only appetizers.

3. Humorous Spin: Football as Absurd Theater
Imagine this game as a sitcom:
- Will Grier is the bumbling neighbor who “accidentally” floods your yard while trying to water his lawn. He’ll throw the ball like a toddler flinging spaghetti—wild, unpredictable, and occasionally on fire.
- The Rams’ defense? They’re the “forgetful bouncer” who lets everyone in, even the guy with a backpack full of explosives (a.k.a. Dallas’ passing game).
- The over/under? 33.5 points sounds like a math test. With both teams’ backups playing, it’s more like a 34-point comedy of errors.

4. Prediction: The Parlay Playbook
Rams +2.5 AND Over 33.5 is your same-game parlay. Why?
- Rams +2.5: Garoppolo/Bennett will outduel Grier, who’s statistically more likely to hit a watermelon than a receiver. The Rams’ home-field advantage (LA’s “SoFi Stadium: Where Backup QBs Go to Shine”) gives them a 60% implied edge.
- Over 33.5: Both defenses are so leaky, they’ll score points like a broken sprinkler. The Rams’ Corum and Whittington will exploit Dallas’ line, while Grier’s picks lead to Rams touchdowns.

Final Score Prediction: Rams 20, Cowboys 17. Total: 37. Over and cover.

Verdict: This parlay is a 30.7% shot at 6.1x profit (if you hit both legs). It’s the NFL’s version of betting on a clown car race—chaotic, low-stakes, and slightly more predictable than a TikTok algorithm. Go forth and bet like you’re the star of a rom-com… and the Rams are your guaranteed leading lady. 🏈✨

Created: Aug. 9, 2025, 2:54 a.m. GMT