Parlay: Johnny Eblen VS Costello Van Steenis 2025-07-19

Same-Game Parlay Breakdown: Johnny Eblen vs. Costello Van Steenis
Because MMA is just chess with more elbow drops and fewer knights.

1. Parse the Odds: The Math of Mayhem
Let’s crunch the numbers like we’re in a spreadsheet dojo. Johnny Eblen (-900 on BetOnline.ag) is the MMA version of a vending machine: you put in effort, you get a loss. His 16-0 record isn’t just perfect—it’s boringly perfect. The implied probability of Eblen winning? A staggering 86.96%. Meanwhile, Costello Van Steenis (+400) is the underdog with a 16-3 career record and a bravado that could power a small city. His implied probability? 20%—about the same chance I have of winning a dance-off against a wall.

The totals line is 3.5 rounds. Over (1.5 odds) bets on a late finish, while Under (2.6 odds) assumes a clean sweep. Given Van Steenis’s “be violent from Round 1” strategy, you’d think the Over is tempting… until you remember Eblen’s resume: a guy who’s never been finished, never been stopped, and probably never lost a game of Mortal Kombat on the first try.

2. Digest the News: Bragging Rights and Bruised Egos
Van Steenis is the MMA equivalent of a motivational speaker who’s also a black belt. “He’s never lost, and it’s going to hurt him a lot,” he declared, as if inexperience is a fragility that shatters like a soufflé. His game plan? “Violent hands and feet” from Round 1. Sounds thrilling… until you realize he’s essentially describing a toddler in a candy store: high energy, zero focus, and a 100% chance of a meltdown.

Eblen, meanwhile, is the MMA version of a Roomba: relentless, methodical, and impossible to stop unless you unplug him. His perfect record isn’t just a stat—it’s a threat. And let’s not forget Van Steenis’s quest to join Spain’s MMA royalty (à la Ilia Topuria). If he wins, he’s a hero. If he loses? Well, he’s already got three losses to fall back on.

3. Humorous Spin: The Absurdity of Combat Sports
Imagine Van Steenis’s strategy as a movie plot: “Mission: Impossible – MMA Edition.” He’s James Bond with a headlock, trying to “be violent” his way through a fight that Eblen approaches like a spreadsheet audit. Van Steenis’s aggression is as effective as a screen door on a submarine—bold, but not exactly watertight.

And let’s talk about that totals line. Van Steenis wants to “come at him from Round 1 to 5,” but Eblen’s record suggests he’s the MMA version of a robot that never needs charging. If this fight goes the distance, it’ll be like watching paint dry… but with more punches. The Under 3.5 rounds bet feels like betting that a turtle will beat Usain Bolt in a sprint.

4. Prediction: The Unstoppable Force Meets the Immovable Object
Here’s the parlay play: Eblen to win + Under 3.5 rounds. Why? Because Van Steenis’s “violent” approach is more likely to exhaust him than Eblen, who’s built like a tank with a PhD in “How to Outlast Your Opponent.” The Under 3.5 rounds bet hinges on Eblen controlling the fight early—think of it as a chess match where Van Steenis checks his king in the first move.

Van Steenis’s confidence is endearing, like a toddler claiming they’ll eat an entire elephant. But Eblen? He’s the guy who’s already eaten the elephant, alphabetized the bones, and made a smoothie out of the leftovers.

Final Verdict: Eblen wins by decision, and the fight stays under 3.5 rounds because Van Steenis’s “violence” is more dramatic than damaging. Bet accordingly—or risk looking as clueless as Van Steenis’s game plan.

May the best puncher win. Or, y’know, the guy who’s never lost. 🥊💥

Created: July 19, 2025, 7:51 p.m. GMT