Parlay: Pittsburgh Pirates VS Colorado Rockies 2025-08-03

Pirates vs. Rockies: A Same-Game Parlay for the Ages
Where Offenses Meet Offenses and Hope Meets Hype

1. Parse the Odds: A Tale of Two Terrors
Let’s start with the math, because even in baseball, numbers don’t lie (unless they’re on a Colorado Rockies payroll). The Pittsburgh Pirates (-138) are favored to beat the Colorado Rockies (+235) in this matchup, which sounds about right when you consider the Rockies’ 28-80 record. But here’s the kicker: both teams have offensives that could be described as “enthusiastic” and “persistent,” but not exactly “threatening.” The Pirates score 3.4 runs per game (30th in MLB), while the Rockies manage 3.6 (29th). Together, they’re the MLB’s version of a slow snail and a slightly faster snail racing to a party that’s already over.

Yet the Over 11.5 runs (-110) is the sexy pick here. Why? Because pitching? What pitching? Let’s break it down:
- Paul Skenes (Pirates): A top-10 prospect with a fastball that could peel paint, but he’s facing a Rockies lineup that’s hit fewer home runs than a vegan’s meat consumption.
- Austin Gomber (Rockies): A pitcher with a 5.65 ERA and the confidence of a man who just realized he’s wearing pants inside-out.
- Colorado’s bullpen: A 5.15 ERA and a 28th-place ranking that screams, “We’re here for the vibes, not the saves.”

The implied probability of the Over 11.5 is 50% (even odds), while the Pirates’ moneyline win probability is ~57.7% (from -138). Combine these, and you’re looking at a parlay with implied odds of ~27.7% (57.7% * 50%). That’s a juicy edge, especially when you consider Coors Field’s reputation as a hitter’s playground and Gomber’s inability to keep runs in check.

2. Digest the News: Injuries, Streaks, and the Eternal Struggle
The Pirates are riding a five-game winning streak, which is either a fluke or a sign that they’ve discovered the secret to scoring runs (spoiler: it involves hoping the Rockies’ defense trips over its own feet). Key players like Oneil Cruz and Bryan Reynolds are healthy, which is less exciting than it sounds—Cruz is still chasing a .300 average, and Reynolds is the team’s version of a “meh, but reliable” contact hitter.

The Rockies? They’re the MLB’s version of a participation trophy. Austin Gomber’s arm is as trustworthy as a borrowed umbrella, and Hunter Goodman’s bat is about as effective as a screen door in a hurricane. The Rockies’ only hope is that Paul Skenes implodes, but even that would require divine intervention (and maybe a time machine to fix their draft picks).

3. Humorous Spin: The Absurdity of It All
Imagine this game as a cooking show where both chefs forgot to bring the main ingredient. The Pirates’ offense is like a toaster in a bakery—present but useless. The Rockies’ pitching staff? That’s the toaster’s evil twin, actively trying to set the kitchen on fire.

Paul Skenes: The human equivalent of a fire alarm during a campfire—everyone’s nervous, but no one’s surprised.
- Colorado’s bullpen: If they were a movie, they’d be the “twist” that no one saw coming because it’s literally just a bunch of guys who can’t throw strikes.
- The Over 11.5: A bet that the combined runs will exceed the number of letters in “Pittsburgh Pirates” (13) minus the number of wins the Rockies have had this season (28). It’s a math problem only a Coors Field beer could solve.

4. Prediction: The Unlikely Parlay
Here’s the play: Pittsburgh Pirates Moneyline (-138) + Over 11.5 Runs (-110).

Why? Because Skenes should outpitch Gomber, and because Colorado’s bullpen will turn a 2-1 game into a 7-4 disaster. The Pirates’ streak is a fragile thing, but against a Rockies team that’s essentially a baseball version of a “free throw contest” (everyone misses, but someone still wins), they should prevail.

Final Verdict: Bet the Pirates to win and the Over to cash. It’s a parlay for the absurd, but in a game where both teams are statistically more likely to lose their caps in the wind than to execute a double play, this is the closest thing to a sure thing. Unless the Rockies’ mascot finally retires, this is your play.

“The Rockies’ chances of winning? About as good as a snowball’s chance in Coors Field… which, honestly, is still pretty slim.”

Created: Aug. 3, 2025, 3:01 a.m. GMT