Parlay: Pittsburgh Steelers VS Cincinnati Bengals 2025-10-16

Steelers vs. Bengals: A Parlay of Woe and Wonder

Ladies and gentlemen, buckle up for a Thursday night clash that’s less Monday Night Football and more Thursday Night "Why Are We Still Watching This?" The Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1) roll into Cincinnati as 5.5-point favorites, while the Bengals (2-4) cling to hope like a wet tissue in a monsoon. Let’s dissect this matchup with the precision of a pro wrestler analyzing a spreadsheet.

Parsing the Odds: Steelers as the Unloved Parent of the AFC North
The numbers scream “Steelers, baby!” with implied probabilities hovering around 70-75% for Pittsburgh (decimal odds: 1.37-1.40) versus 25-30% for Cincinnati (odds: 3.00-3.20). That’s the statistical equivalent of your neighbor’s golden retriever napping in the sun versus a raccoon trying to hotwire your car—outcome obvious, but kudos to the underdog for effort.

The total is set at 44.5-45.0 points, with the Under getting better odds. Why? Because the Bengals’ offense, led by Joe Flacco (yes, that Joe Flacco), has the zip of a wet sock. Since Joe Burrow’s injury, Cincinnati’s scoring has dipped to the emotional range of a telemarketer selling timeshares. Meanwhile, the Steelers’ defense ranks 4th in pass rush, which is just code for “we’ll make Ja’Marr Chase cry into his pregame smoothie.”

Digesting the News: Burrow’s Absence and Flacco’s "I’m Back!" Tour
The Bengals are currently run by Joe Flacco, the NFL’s version of a backup generator—reliable in a pinch but not exactly a party starter. Without Burrow, their offense is like a Tesla on a 5% charge: functional, but don’t expect any burnouts. Throw in Flacco’s recent history (a trade from Baltimore to Cleveland to purgatory) and you’ve got a quarterback who’s basically playing “Just Dance” on medium difficulty.

On the Steelers’ side, DeShon Elliott’s absence (questionable, not traveling) weakens their secondary, but Pittsburgh’s defense is still a fortress. Their new cornerbacks? Teryl Austin called them “jumping off the film at you,” which is NFL-speak for “we’re gonna make Tee Higgins wish he’d stayed in college.” Oh, and rookie Ke’Shawn Williams impressed as a return man—imagine a rookie outshining veterans in his debut. It’s like your cousin suddenly becoming the star of a TikTok dance trend.

The Bengals’ struggles are so dire that the 49ers are circling like vultures over Trey Hendrickson. If Cincinnati’s season ends in a dumpster fire, expect a trade that makes "Burning Man" look like a family picnic.

Humorous Spin: The Absurdity of It All
Let’s lean into the chaos. The Bengals’ offensive line is so porous, even the Steelers’ linebackers are filing for divorce. Flacco’s arm strength? It could power a pocket watch. And don’t get me started on the Bengals’ recent four-game losing streak—it’s longer than a Netflix show’s second season.

Meanwhile, Pittsburgh’s minority owner died in an ATV accident. No, really. The Steelers are now a team one degree of separation from a country song. And yet, they trudge on, led by Aaron Rodgers (yes, that Rodgers, now in Pittsburgh? The NFL’s version of a "Where’d You Go, Bernadette?" plot twist).

Same-Game Parlay Pick: Steelers Cover and Under Cash In
Leg 1: Steelers -5.5 (-110)
Why? The Bengals’ offense is a leaky faucet. Flacco vs. Pittsburgh’s pass rush is like a toddler trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube—endless potential, zero results. The Steelers’ defense will make Chase and Higgins look like they’re watching the game on mute.

Leg 2: Under 44.5 (-110)
The Bengals aren’t scoring, and the Steelers? They’ll likely win ugly. Rodgers isn’t a high-volume passer, and Cincinnati’s defense is too disorganized to light up the scoreboard. This game will be drier than a martini at a Mormon potluck.

Combined Odds: ~+260 (if both legs hit, you’ll turn $100 into $260). It’s a low-risk, high-reward play that leans into the Bengals’ dysfunction and Steelers’ defensive grit.

Final Prediction: Steelers 20, Bengals 13
The Steelers win by 7, the game clocks in at 2 hours and 48 minutes (because nothing says “thrill” like a 3-hour NFL game where both teams punt 12 times), and the Bengals’ fans will be seen crying in the parking lot while muttering, “Why is Flacco even here?”

Steelers fans, grab your coats—it’s time to stomp on Cincinnati like a deflated balloon. And Bengals? Maybe trade for a quarterback who can throw a football, not just a life full of what-ifs.

Created: Oct. 16, 2025, 5:30 p.m. GMT