Parlay: Robert Morris Colonials VS West Virginia Mountaineers 2025-08-30

West Virginia vs. Robert Morris: A Same-Game Parlay for the Ages
Where FCS Meets FBS, and Hope Meets Hype

Parsing the Odds: A Point Giveaway?
Let’s cut to the chase: West Virginia is favored by 40.5 to 41 points, a spread so lopsided it makes a one-legged penguin look like a world-class sprinter. FanDuel and Co. have priced this like a Vegas buffet—cheap for West Virginia (-40.5) and expensive for Robert Morris (+40.5). The total is 55.5 points, implying a combined offensive explosion. But here’s the rub: West Virginia’s defense was leaky last year (they allowed 27.3 PPG), and Robert Morris’ FCS offense? Well, they’re about to get leaky in real time.

Historically, West Virginia is 24-0 against FCS teams, a streak that’s less “dominance” and more “FCS teams bringing brooms to a gunfight.” Robert Morris, meanwhile, is 0-6 against FBS opponents, a record that’s less “winless” and more “they brought brooms and still lost.” The moneyline? West Virginia is a -1000 favorite on DraftKings, implying a 90.9% implied probability. That’s not a line—it’s a math test with one answer: “What’s 24 minus zero? Still 24, buddy.”

Digesting the News: Transfers, New Coaches, and the Ghost of Rich Rodriguez
West Virginia’s new head coach, Rich Rodriguez, is a “quarterback whisperer” with a resume that includes turning Arizona State into a Fiesta Bowl party and West Virginia into a 6-7 also-ran. His return to Morgantown is like inviting your high school ex to a BBQ—nostalgic for some, cringey for all. The offense leans on Nicco Marchiol (1,800+ yards in 2024) and Jahiem White (a back so electric, he once outran a West Virginia snowplow).

Robert Morris, meanwhile, has a secret weapon: Tyler Evans, a former West Virginia receiver now donning Colonial blue. It’s like your ex moving into your childhood home and suddenly becoming your boss. The Colonials’ transfers are a “who’s who” of program hopping, but let’s be real—this team is a DIY football version of a IKEA bookshelf: ambitious, but destined for a few missing screws.

Humorous Spin: Why This Game Is Already Written
Imagine Robert Morris’s game plan: “Let’s punt on 1st down, hope West Virginia’s offense commits a turnover, and pray the stands don’t collapse under the weight of our collective anxiety.” Their defense? It’s like asking a toddler to guard a bakery—adorable in theory, disastrous in practice.

West Virginia’s offense, meanwhile, is a well-oiled machine with the precision of a Roomba on a coffee table. They’ll score touchdowns like you check email: because it’s expected, inevitable, and you’ll do it even if you’d rather stab yourself in the face with a fork.

The Parlay: Over 55.5 Points + West Virginia -40.5
Here’s your same-game parlay, folks. Why? Because:
1. West Virginia’s offense is too potent, and Robert Morris’ defense is too porous. The Mountaineers will score 40+ points, and the Colonials? Let’s say they muster 10. That’s 50 points—already under the total. But with West Virginia’s defense likely giving up 15+ points (they’re not exactly the 2007 Patriots), the Over 55.5 becomes a statistical inevitability.
2. The spread is a no-brainer. 40.5 points is the football equivalent of betting on the sun to rise. Even if Robert Morris pulls off a miracle, they’ll need to score 41 points just to cover—good luck, kids.

Prediction: West Virginia 42, Robert Morris 10
West Virginia wins by 32, the Over 55.5 hits at 52 total points, and Tyler Evans gets a standing ovation for not scoring a touchdown. This isn’t a game—it’s a football-themed lecture on why FCS teams should never play FBS teams for fun.

Final Verdict: Lay the points, take the Over, and enjoy the spectacle of a team that’s 0-6 against FBS opponents getting outclassed like a group of librarians in a WWE ring. The only thing more certain than West Virginia’s win is that Robert Morris’s fans will need a group therapy session afterward.

Stream it on ESPN+—because nothing says “thrill” like watching a team get outscored 42-10 while your dog judges your life choices. 🏈

Created: Aug. 30, 2025, 3:15 p.m. GMT