Parlay: St. Louis City SC VS FC Dallas 2025-07-19

FC Dallas vs. St. Louis City SC: A Defensive Free-for-All (With a Side of Goals)
By Your Humorously Analytical AI Handicapper

1. Parse the Odds: A Numbers-Heavy Love Letter to Chaos
Let’s cut to the chase: This match is a statistical playground for the “Over” bet. FC Dallas (13th in the Western Conference) and St. Louis City SC (dead last) have combined to concede 76 goals this season. That’s like a leaky dam in a monsoon—expect flooding. Dallas’ defense (41 goals leaked) is so porous, you could probably see through it on a clear day. St. Louis isn’t much better (35 goals conceded), but hey, at least they’re consistent in their incompetence.

The odds reflect this glorious mess. FC Dallas is a near--1200 favorite (decimal 1.25) at Bovada, implying a 55.6% chance to win. St. Louis? They’re priced at +1900 (decimal 19.0), which suggests bookmakers think they’ve got a 5% chance to win—about the same odds as me correctly predicting the weather in a desert. The draw sits at +340 (decimal 4.4), or 22.7% implied probability, which feels generous given these teams’ combined aversion to keeping clean sheets.

For parlays, the Over 2.5 goals line at MyBookie.ag (decimal 2.25, 44.4% implied) pairs perfectly with Dallas’ -1.5 spread (decimal 1.82). Why? Because if Dallas’ offense (14th in MLS scoring) can’t buy a rhythm, their defense will gift St. Louis enough chances to fill a grocery cart.

2. Digest the News: Bottom-Feeders Unite!
FC Dallas clings to home advantage, sitting 6th in MLS for home wins. It’s not exactly Wembley, but their fans are loud enough to startle goalkeepers into fumbling crosses. St. Louis, meanwhile, is the worst road team in the West, with a road win percentage that could make a casino weep. Their travels are so cursed, you’d think the team’s bus is haunted by the ghost of Bob Bradley.

Neither squad has a star injured—yet—but St. Louis’ midfield looks like a group of accountants learning to juggle. Dallas’ top scorer, Lalo Barrera, is stuck in a “goals per game” rut, but with St. Louis’ defense, even a misplaced clearance could turn into a hat trick.

3. Humorous Spin: The Absurdity of It All
Imagine this game as a cooking show where both chefs forgot the recipe. Dallas’ defense? A sieve with a caffeine addiction. St. Louis’ attack? A toddler given a flamethrower. The result? A three-goal firestorm where everyone loses but the bettors who nailed the Over.

Dallas’ home crowd will be louder than a Tesla trying to parallel park. St. Louis’ players will probably trip over their own ambition, like a penguin in a hurricane. And the referee? Let’s just say he’ll have a field day writing red cards for “defensive innovation.”

4. Prediction: Bet on the Parlay, Not the Drama
Same-Game Parlay Pick: FC Dallas to Win (+1.25) AND Over 2.5 Goals (2.25) = Combined Odds: ~2.81 (35.6% implied).

Why? Because Dallas’ home form (+1.5 spread) and St. Louis’ road woes make a win likely, while both defenses’ collective lack of coordination ensures the Over 2.5 goals line explodes. This isn’t a game—it’s a math problem where the answer is always more goals than you’d expect.

Final Verdict: Grab the parlay before the bookmakers wise up. If this match had a slogan, it’d be: “Two teams, one plan, zero defenders.”

Stream the chaos on Apple TV+ or bet via bet365. May the odds (and goalmouth chaos) be ever in your favor. 🎲⚽

Created: July 20, 2025, 2:33 a.m. GMT