Prediction: Atlanta Falcons VS Dallas Cowboys 2025-08-22
"Falcons vs. Cowboys: A Preseason Snore-Fest Where Even the Birds Are Asking, 'Why Are We Here?'"
Ladies and gentlemen, gather âround for the most thrilling event in sports: the Atlanta Falcons vs. Dallas Cowboys preseason finale! If âthrillingâ is code for âa nap with ambient crowd noise,â then consider this your official invitation to witness NFL players whoâd rather be anywhere elseâprobably a hammock, or a coffee shop, or a time machine that skips directly to the regular season.
Parsing the Odds: A Statistical Masterpiece (or a Spreadsheet Error?)
Letâs start with the numbers, because even in preseason, the bookmakers are here to remind us that someone is profiting from this chaos. The Cowboys are listed as 2.5-point favorites, with decimal odds hovering around 1.65-1.68. Using our trusty formula for decimal odds (1 / decimal_odds * 100%), this implies Dallas has a ~58-60% implied chance to win. Meanwhile, the Falcons hover around 2.2-2.3 odds, translating to ~43-45%ânot great, but not exactly a math whizâs worst nightmare.
The total points line? A paltry 35.5, down from 36.5, as if the universe is subtly mocking fans who still think preseason games are about football. For context, the Falcons have averaged 15 points per preseason game, and the Cowboys a slightly less anemic 17. Add âem up, and you get⌠32. Exactly the kind of score that makes the âUnderâ bet look like a genius decision.
Digesting the News: Where Are My Stars?!
Both teams have treated this game like a casting call for The Backup QB Chronicles. Atlantaâs Michael Penix Jr. and Kirk Cousins? Sitting this one out, presumably sipping kombucha and judging their teammatesâ footcare. Instead, we get Easton Stick, whoâs thrown two touchdowns all seasonâif you count âtdâ as âturning down a promotion to starter.â
Dallas? Theyâre giving Joe Milton, a QB whose career highlights include ânot Dak Prescott,â a shot to âfind out more about [him],â per coach Brian Schottenheimer. Translation: âWeâre contractually obligated to keep this guy on the roster, and we need to justify it.â Meanwhile, Dak Prescott is probably playing golf, or at least daydreaming about it.
Humorous Spin: Because Laughter Is the Best Defense
Letâs be real: This game is the NFL equivalent of a 10-minute âto be continuedâŚâ episode of a canceled TV show. The Falconsâ offense? Itâs like a toaster in a bakeryâpresent, but useless. Their reliance on Easton Stick is akin to asking a toddler to solve quantum physics: âAt least heâs trying!â
The Cowboysâ defense, on the other hand, might as well be a human wall made of granite. Or maybe a granite wall made of humans. Either way, theyâre not letting many points through, which is good news for fans of the âUnderâ and bad news for fans of actual football.
And letâs not forget the fans! Want to watch this masterpiece? Youâll need NFL+, which costs $14.99/monthâif you have the willpower to stream instead of just⌠napping.
Prediction: Who Cares? (But Also, Who Wins?)
After crunching the numbers, consulting my crystal ball (which is 75% Google Sheets and 25% caffeine), and asking a squirrel for its expert opinion, hereâs my verdict:
Dallas wins 17-14, with 3 total touchdowns and a field goal that feels like a mercy killing.
Why? Because the Cowboysâ backups are slightly more âbattle-testedâ than Atlantaâs, and because the Falconsâ offense would struggle to score on a pizza delivery. The game will likely fall comfortably under the 35.5 total, as both teams treat this like a mandatory HR seminar on workplace safety.
So, grab your least favorite snack, set your alarm for 8 p.m., and enjoy the NFLâs gift to us all: a game where the most exciting play is a player figuring out how to tie his own shoelaces. Yawn.
Final Verdict: Bet the Under and forget the Falcons. Dallas wins by a noseâor, more accurately, by 3 points. Now go forth and enjoy your Friday night⌠or donât. No oneâs judging.
Created: Aug. 22, 2025, 3:59 a.m. GMT