Prediction: Baltimore Ravens VS Dallas Cowboys 2025-08-16
Dallas Cowboys vs. Baltimore Ravens Preseason Showdown: A Tale of Two Birds (and a Field Goal Spread)
Ladies and gentlemen, gather âround for a preseason clash thatâs about as exciting as watching a traffic jam in 105-degree heatâunless youâre a sports fan, in which case, yessir, this is the main event! The Dallas Cowboys, fresh off a 7-10 season and a head coaching change thatâs smoother than a Texanâs drawl, host the Baltimore Ravens, who are presumably still riding high on last yearâs playoff run (or at least their crab cakes). Letâs break this down with the precision of a quarterback who doesnât fumble.
Parsing the Odds: Whoâs the Preseason âChosen Oneâ?
The numbers donât lie (well, they might in Vegas, but weâll get to that). On FanDuel and DraftKings, the Ravens are the slight favorites at -2.5 (FanDuel) to -1.5 (DraftKings), with decimal odds implying a 56-58% chance to win. The Cowboys, meanwhile, are priced at +2.5/+1.5, suggesting bookmakers think theyâve got a 42-44% shot to avoid looking like a rookie in their first OTA.
The total line sits at 35.5-36.5 points, which is about as thrilling as a defensive coordinatorâs dream. Preseason games are often a âshow us what youâve got, then sit the startersâ affair, so expecting a shootout is like bringing a spoon to a barbecue. Still, the Ravensâ defenseâled by a linebacking corps that could tackle a stampede of stampeding buffaloâmight keep this one tighter than a quarterbackâs grip on a deflated football.
Digesting the News: Injuries, Coaching Changes, and Other Plot Twists
The Cowboys are under new head coach Brian Schottenheimer, a man whose resume includes turning average teams into âmehâ teams with the consistency of a Texas sunset. Dak Prescott is presumably still dodging defenders like theyâre traffic cones, but with Schottenheimer calling plays, itâs like giving a chef a box of expired ingredientsâmaybe edible, but donât expect five stars.
The Ravens? Theyâre the sports equivalent of a luxury SUV: reliable, slightly overpriced, and always showing up to the party with a six-pack of draft picks. While no major injuries are mentioned (unless you count the existential crisis of a preseason game), their depth chart suggests theyâll rotate players like a TikTok algorithm. Baltimoreâs offense, meanwhile, is a well-oiled machine that could run the Cowboysâ defense into the groundâliterally, if the turf is wet enough.
Humorous Spin: Puns, Puns, and More Puns
Letâs be real: The Cowboysâ offense is like a Texas barbecueâfull of smoke, but not much meat. Without their star players, theyâre fielding a roster that looks like it was drafted from the grocery store parking lot. Dak Prescott? Heâs out there throwing passes like heâs trying to start a campfire in a monsoon.
The Ravens, on the other hand, are the NFLâs version of a âget out of jail freeâ card. Theyâve got the kind of depth that makes you wonder if theyâre secretly a minor league team for pro athletes. Their defense? So good, they could make a kindergarten soccer team look like the Harlem Globetrotters.
And letâs not forget the spreadâa measly 2.5 points for the Ravens. Thatâs about as much as the Cowboysâ chances of actually winning this game.
Prediction: Whoâs Flying High?
While preseason games are often a glorified scrimmage, the numbers and context scream Baltimore Ravens as the pick. The Cowboysâ new coaching staff needs time to install their system, and Dak Prescottâs likely to sit this one out (or at least play 8 minutes). The Ravens, meanwhile, have the depth and discipline to outlast Dallas in a game thatâll feel longer than a Texas heatwave.
Final Score Prediction: Baltimore 17, Dallas 14.
Bet the Ravens, unless youâre a fan of dramatic last-minute own goals⌠or Cowboysâ fans with delusions of grandeur. đŚ đ
Created: Aug. 10, 2025, 5:15 p.m. GMT