Prediction: Baltimore Ravens VS Washington Commanders 2025-08-23
Washington Commanders vs. Baltimore Ravens Preseason Showdown: A Tale of Two Tommies (and One Dominant Defense)
Ladies and gentlemen, grab your popcornâthis isnât just a football game; itâs a roster purge masquerading as a contest. The Washington Commanders and Baltimore Ravens meet in the preseason finale, where the stakes are lower than the Commandersâ offensive output this exhibition season (18 points in two gamesâwow). Letâs break this down with the precision of a NFL scout who still uses a slide rule.
Parsing the Odds: Why the Ravens Are the Preseason King of the Hill
The Ravens are -150 moneyline favorites and -2.5 to -3.0 spread darlings across books, implying a 60% implied probability of victory. For context, the Commandersâ chances are roughly equivalent to me correctly predicting the weather based on a catâs mood.
John Harbaugh, the NFLâs resident preseason wizard, has a 46-17 exhibition record, including a 24-game unbeaten streak from 2016â2023. Dan Quinn? His Commanders are 7-19 in preseason, which is about as reliable as a chair made of spaghetti. The Ravens have already covered both their exhibition games (24-16 vs. Colts, 31-13 vs. Cowboys), while Washington has been outscored 79-35. If the Commandersâ offense were a restaurant, itâd have three health violations and a Yelp review that just says âmeh.â
News Digest: Injuries, Rookies, and the Eternal Struggle for Roster Spots
The Commanders are in a running-back crisis after trading Brian Robinson Jr. Rookie Jacory Croskey-Merritt will start, flanked by Austin Ekeler (a future Hall of Famer⌠in the backup role) and Jeremy McNichols. Meanwhile, Chris Rodriguez Jr. is playing for his lifeâliterally, if you ask the waiver wire.
The Ravens? Theyâre treating this like a dress rehearsal for the regular seasonâs âweâre totally fineâ act. Baltimoreâs starters wonât play, but their backups have already looked sharper than Washingtonâs starters. The Commandersâ defense, meanwhile, has allowed 48 points to the Patriots and 31 to the Bengals. If this were a horror movie, their secondary would be the killer with the hook-handed glove.
Humor Injection: Because Football Analysis Needs Less Gravity
Letâs be real: Dan Quinnâs preseason teams play football like a group of librarians attempting to defend a chessboard from a toddler with a Nerf gun. The Ravens, on the other hand, are the reason John Harbaugh gets paid to look like a man whoâs seen the future and still thinks itâs a good idea to wear a blazer.
The Commandersâ offense? Itâs the NFLâs answer to a dial-up modemâslow, frustrating, and occasionally accompanied by a dial tone. Their running game is so anemic, even the grass on the field is side-eyeing it. And their passing attack? Itâs like a magician who forgets his own tricks.
As for the Ravensâ backups? Theyâre out here playing like theyâve got a 401(k) riding on this. Baltimoreâs defense is so disciplined, theyâd probably tackle a free pizza delivery guy if he strayed into the end zone.
Prediction: Why the Ravens Cover, Unless They Trip Over Their Own Shoelaces
Despite the âno startersâ caveat, the Ravensâ depth is too strong, and Harbaughâs preseason magic is real. The Commandersâ struggles are existential at this pointâWashington hasnât scored more than 18 points in a game, which is one point shy of a âmehâ rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
Final Verdict: Take the Ravens -2.5. Theyâll win this by covering the spread like a well-wrapped Christmas giftâneatly, confidently, and with zero intention of letting you open it (i.e., let Washington score). If you back the Commanders, youâre essentially betting that a group of interns can outperform a team of seasoned professionals in a game of Monopoly. Spoiler: They canât.
Now, go bet responsiblyâor donât, because FanDuelâs bonus offer is literally in the article. Your move. đ
Created: Aug. 23, 2025, 7:19 a.m. GMT