Prediction: Central Michigan Chippewas VS Michigan Wolverines 2025-09-13
Michigan Wolverines vs. Central Michigan Chippewas: A Lopsided Love Story
Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round for a tale of footballing yin and yang: the 23rd-ranked Michigan Wolverines, fresh off a 1-1 start and a coaching suspension so dramatic it could star in a Netflix docu-series, take on the Central Michigan Chippewas, a team so mystified by passing plays they might as well be solving Rubik’s Cubes on the sideline. Let’s break this down with the statistical precision of a spreadsheet and the humor of a locker-room roast.
Parsing the Odds: Why This Feels Like a Math Test
Michigan is a four-touchdown favorite (-27.5 spread), with moneyline odds so lopsided (1.01-1.03) that betting on the Wolverines feels like wagering on the sun rising tomorrow. Central Michigan? They’re priced at +17 to +23, which translates to a 4.3%-5.4% chance of pulling off the unthinkable. For context, that’s less likely than me understanding the rules of American football after one beer.
The total is set at 42.5-43.5 points, which is generous for a game where Michigan’s offense sputtered in their last game (9/24 passing, 142 yards) and Central Michigan’s quarterbacks combined for 292 passing yards in two games. If this game were a cake, it’d be a 43-layer wedding cake next to a store-bought cupcake.
News Digest: Coaching Drama, Freshman Fumbles, and a Leg-Day Redemption
Michigan’s interim coach, Biff Poggi, is stepping in after Sherrone Moore’s NCAA-imposed suspension for sign-stealing antics. Poggi’s resume includes stints as an associate head coach at Michigan and a head coaching gig in Charlotte, so he’s basically the “reliable sidekick” who steps up when the hero is temporarily grounded. Moore praised Poggi’s “knowledge of the players,” which is football speak for “he knows where everyone’s weaknesses are.”
On the field, freshman QB Bryce Underwood is still finding his sea legs, completing just 37.5% of his passes against Oklahoma. But fear not! The Wolverines have a 75-yard touchdown run from Justice Haynes to lean on, and there’s a “high probability” that Rod Moore, the leg-day warrior who tore his ACL and meniscus last season, will return. If Rod Moore’s knee is anything like my old sneakers, it’s past its prime—but hey, football is a contact sport, not a shoe store.
Central Michigan, meanwhile, is a team adrift. Their new coach, Matt Drinkall, admitted he’s “excited because there’s still an unknown,” which is code for “we’re flying blind.” The Chippewas rotated three quarterbacks in their 28-point loss to Pitt, none of whom have thrown for significant yardage. Their run-first scheme and multiple tight ends are like a buffet for Michigan’s defense—plenty of options, but nothing that’ll stick to your ribs.
The Humor: Football as Absurd Theatre
Let’s be real: This game is as competitive as a toddler’s spelling bee. Michigan’s offense? It’s like a toaster in a bakery—present, but useless. Central Michigan’s QBs? They’re the football equivalent of a “passing Yoda” with no midichlorians. And that 27.5-point spread? It’s so lopsided, the Chippewas might as well start the game down 28 and just… enjoy the scenery.
If Central Michigan wants to win, they’ll need to invent a new rule where they get 28 free points. Or maybe bribe the refs with enough pizza that they forget who’s supposed to be winning. (Note: Do not actually bribe refs. That’s how Sherrone Moore ended up on suspension.)
Prediction: A Foregone Conclusion, Wrapped in a Football
Putting it all together: Michigan’s historical dominance (4-0 all-time vs. CMU), Central Michigan’s QB woes, and the return of Rod Moore (assuming his knee isn’t plotting rebellion) make this a one-way street. The Wolverines’ defense, led by a circus-graduate linebacker named Wink Martindale (not his real name, but should be), will stifle CMU’s run game, while Michigan’s offense slowly figures out how to not look like a freshman in a chess club.
Final Score Prediction: Michigan 35, Central Michigan 10.
Why? Because the odds say so. Because history says so. And because if you gave Central Michigan a 5-point spread, they’d need to invent a new rule to cover it. Stick with the Wolverines, unless you enjoy watching teams trip over their own shoelaces while wearing blindfolds. Michigan’s victory will be so serene, they’ll probably play jazz music on the Jumbotron.
Now go bet accordingly—and remember, if you’re rooting for the underdog, maybe try the lottery instead. The odds are better.
Created: Sept. 13, 2025, 8:38 a.m. GMT