Prediction: Cincinnati Bengals VS Washington Commanders 2025-08-18
Bengals vs. Commanders: A Preseason Showdown of Jitters and Jinxes
Ladies and gentlemen, grab your popcornâpreseason football is here, and this Cincinnati Bengals vs. Washington Commanders matchup is shaping up to be a comedy of errors⌠or at least a comedy of preseason errors. Letâs break down the numbers, the news, and why the Bengals are about to make the Commanders wish theyâd brought a helmet to a paintball fight.
Parsing the Odds: Why the Bengals Are the Smart Money
The numbers donât lie (well, they might lie a little in preseason, but weâll get to that). The Bengals are favored across the board, with decimal odds hovering around 1.51-1.53 (translating to a 61-62% implied probability of winning). The Commanders? Theyâre sitting at 2.6-2.8, which means the books give them a 37-39% chance to victory. For context, thatâs about the same odds as me correctly predicting the outcome of a Washington Commanders * offseason trade*.
The spread tells an even clearer story. The Bengals are listed at -3.5 to -4.5 points, while the Commanders are +3.5 to +4.5. Preseason games are often lopsided, but this spread suggests Cincinnatiâs starters will win comfortably before the coaches mail it in. The total is set at 43.0-43.5 points, which feels about rightâpreseason offenses are like overcooked spaghetti: messy, unpredictable, and likely to score a lot by accident.
Digesting the News: Injuries, Jitters, and One Very Trippy Wide Receiver
Now, letâs talk team news. The Commandersâ star wideout, Terry McLaurin, is reportedly ârestingâ after tripping over his own shoelaces during a team-building exercise. Sources say heâs fine, but his route-running may resemble a toddler on a trampoline. Meanwhile, Commanders QB Sam Darnold is dealing with âpreseason jitters,â which is NFL code for âIâm trying not to throw a pick-six to a fan in the third row.â
The Bengals, on the other hand, are blessed with the kind of depth that makes other teams weep. Joe Burrow is healthy, the offensive line is playing like a group of synchronized garden gnomes (quiet but sturdy), and their defense? Letâs just say theyâre not the Washington Commandersâ new stadium: porous, overpriced, and prone to leaks. Cincinnatiâs starters should breeze through this game while the backups sip Gatorade and daydream about the regular season.
Humorous Spin: Toaster Offenses and Flying Goalies
The Commandersâ offense is like a toaster thatâs been told itâs out of breadâstill trying to make sparks, but with no real purpose. Without McLaurin, their passing game is a magicianâs act where the rabbit is always the ref. On defense? Theyâre playing chess while the Bengals play checkers: same pieces, way less strategy.
The Bengalsâ defense, meanwhile, is a former circus acrobat turned personal trainer: intimidating, flexible, and capable of catching a pass mid-air and deadlifting 400 pounds. If this were a movie, their linebackers would have a sidekickâa squirrel in a helmet who steals snaps.
Prediction: Bengals Win, Commanders Wonder Why They Wear Red
Putting it all together: The Bengalsâ favorable odds, healthier roster, and the Commandersâ⌠well, shoelace fumbles make this a near-lock. The spread (-3.5 to -4.5) is achievable for Cincinnati, especially if they take this game seriously for the first 20 minutes (a stretch, sure, but preseason magic is real).
Final Score Prediction: Bengals 27, Commanders 13.
And if the Commanders pull off an upset? Consider this a sign that the universe is preparing us for the 2025 Washington Commandersâ new slogan: âWeâre not bad⌠weâre just early.â
Now go bet responsiblyâor donât, because preseason games are basically sports-themed Russian roulette.
Created: Aug. 18, 2025, 7:41 a.m. GMT