Prediction: Coppin St Eagles VS South Alabama Jaguars 2025-11-15
South Alabama Jaguars vs. Coppin State Eagles: A Statistical Slapstick Special
Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round for what might be the most lopsided love story in college basketball: South Alabama (4-0) vs. Coppin State (0-5). The Jaguars, favored by a whopping -17.5 points, are so confident in their dominance that they’ve essentially already handed Coppin State a participation trophy. Let’s dissect this mismatch with the precision of a surgeon… or a very focused toddler with a highlighter.
Parsing the Odds: Why This Feels Like a Math Test
South Alabama’s implied probability of winning? Let’s do the math. At decimal odds of 1.03 (per FanDuel), their chance of victory is roughly 97.09%. That’s not a prediction—it’s a near-guarantee written in bold, capitalized letters, and shouted from the rooftops. For context, Coppin State’s chances are a paltry 7.69% (from their +13.0 odds). If this were a high school quiz bowl, South Alabama would have studied for six months while Coppin State asked, “Wait, what’s a quiz?”
The spread? A brutal -17.5 for South Alabama. Given that the Jaguars outscored opponents by 5.5 points per game at home last season and allowed a stingy 64.6 PPG (18th nationally), they’re built to suffocate teams. Coppin State, meanwhile, is a statistical catastrophe: 356th in scoring (59.8 PPG) and 334th in defense (87.2 PPG allowed), with a -137 point differential. They’re like a toaster that only pops bread halfway—present, but useless.
The over/under? A meager 137.5 points. With Coppin State making just 5.0 three-pointers per game (341st) at 27.8% accuracy (315th) and South Alabama’s defense holding opponents to 64.6 PPG, this game smells like a wet blanket.
Digesting the News: Injuries, or Lack Thereof
South Alabama’s recent win over Central Michigan (66-64) showcased star Adam Olsen dropping 21 points, six rebounds, and one assist—because even their assists are modest. Coppin State’s loss to Central Michigan? A 82-59 drubbing where their leading scorer, Demariontay Hall, managed 13 points… and zero assists. If Hall were a pizza, he’d be a single slice with no cheese.
No major injuries reported for Coppin State, but let’s imagine some for fun: “Star guard Khali Horton is recovering from a career-altering incident involving a rogue basketball and a coffee table. His three-point shot? Still searching for the concept of ‘arc.’” Their rebounding? A laughable 25.8 RPG (351st), getting outrebounded by 12 per game. If Coppin’s frontcourt were a sandwich, it’d be a sad, cold BLT missing the lettuce.
Humorous Spin: The Absurdity of It All
Coppin State’s offense is like a blindfolded toddler shooting a basketball: hopeful, chaotic, and destined to end in tears. Their three-point percentage (27.8%) is so low, even a squirrel could beat them by randomly flinging acorns at a hoop. South Alabama’s defense, meanwhile, is a fortress guarded by a dragon who’s very particular about who gets to enter.
The spread (-17.5) is so steep, it’s like asking Coppin State to show up in a game of chess and… not move their king first. And the total points line? At 137.5, it’s basically a bet that neither team will accidentally score 140 points by accident.
Prediction: The Verdict from the Court of Public Opinion
South Alabama wins comfortably, likely by 20+ points, covering the -17.5 spread with the ease of a cat knocking over a glass of water. The Under 137.5 is a lock, as Coppin State’s anemic offense and South Alabama’s suffocating defense will make this game feel like watching paint dry… if the paint were somehow also bored.
Final Score Prediction: South Alabama 68, Coppin State 45.
Unless a miracle occurs (or a time traveler swaps the teams mid-game), this is a coroner’s report for Coppin State’s season. Bet on the Jaguars, or better yet, bet on your ability to predict this outcome—your confidence will pay off.
Disclaimer: This analysis is not financial advice. If you bet on Coppin State, please consult a therapist. 🏀
Created: Nov. 15, 2025, 7:38 a.m. GMT