Prediction: Drake Bulldogs VS Iowa Hawkeyes 2025-11-13
Iowa Hawkeyes vs. Drake Bulldogs: A Lopsided Love Letter to the Underdog
By Your Humorously Analytical Sports Oracle
The Iowa Hawkeyes (2-0) and Drake Bulldogs (1-1) collide on November 13, 2025, in a matchup that’s less of a basketball game and more of a math problem. Let’s break it down with the precision of a spreadsheet and the wit of a late-night monologue.
Parsing the Odds: Why This Feels Like a Foregone Conclusion
The betting lines make this clearer than a Hallmark card. Iowa is a -27.5-point favorite across bookmakers, with DraftKings pricing Drake at +4100 (yes, 41-to-1). For context, that’s the basketball equivalent of betting on a tortoise to beat Usain Bolt in a sprint—charming, but not practical. The total is set at 150.5 points, which feels optimistic given Iowa’s recent 119-43 dismantling of Evansville. That game wasn’t just a win; it was a math lesson.
Statistically, Iowa’s offense (74.4 PPG last season) and Drake’s defense (70.0 PPG allowed, 298th nationally) form a toxic duo. Drake’s own offense isn’t terrible—19th in scoring at 78.0 PPG—but their defense is worse than a sieve left in a hurricane. Iowa’s home court (Carver-Hawkeye Arena) is a fortress, where they averaged 77.6 PPG last season. Meanwhile, Drake’s road defense? It’s like asking a toddler to guard a candy store.
Digesting the News: Injuries, Anecdotes, and Why Drake’s Bench Needs a Nap
Iowa’s Ava Heiden is a double-double machine, already racking up two in her first two games. Sophomore Layla Hays (20 points vs. Evansville) and Hannah Stuelke form a supporting cast that could make a dry lecture on accounting sound thrilling.
Drake’s Abbie Aalsma is their spark, scoring 23 points in a recent loss to Creighton. But here’s the rub: she had zero assists and three rebounds. If basketball were a group project, Aalsma would be the star student who refuses to collaborate, leaving teammates to Google “how to pass a ball” during the game. Drake’s bench, meanwhile, averaged 16.3 points off turnovers last season—impressive, until you realize Iowa’s defense might force so many turnovers, Drake’s bench could cash in on a per diem.
Also, Drake’s last win over Iowa was nine years ago. For context, Drake’s players weren’t even in high school when that happened. Iowa’s fans are likely still paying off the confetti cannons they used to celebrate.
The Humorous Spin: Analogies, Puns, and Why This Game Feels Like a One-Sided Podcast
Let’s be real: Drake’s defense is a Swiss cheese colander. Iowa’s offense? A steamroller with a PhD in applied dominance. Imagine Drake’s three-point shooting—10.1 makes per game, 34.7% accuracy—as a scattergun: “We’re just gonna fire a million shots and hope a few hit!”
Iowa’s 119-43 win over Evansville was so lopsided, the losing team probably started a GoFundMe to buy the winning team a new trophy. Drake’s 83-74 loss to Creighton? A masterclass in heartbreak.
And let’s not forget the spread: 27.5 points. If Iowa scores 80, Drake would need to score 52.5 points to cover. For context, Drake’s entire team scored 74 against Creighton. Good luck hitting 52.5 on a good day.
Prediction: Iowa Wins, Drake Survives the Humiliation
Final Score Prediction: Iowa 85, Drake 55
Key Factors: Iowa’s suffocating home-court advantage, Drake’s porous defense, and the simple fact that Drake’s last win over Iowa predates the invention of the smartphone.
While Drake’s fans will valiantly cheer, this game will likely devolve into a clinic on “How to Win in College Basketball” hosted by Iowa’s coaching staff. Drake’s best hope? Praying Iowa’s starters take the second half off to watch The Lion King on repeat.
Bet Recommendation: Iowa -27.5. The spread is so vast, even if Iowa’s starters sit, the line still covers. Drake’s fans? They’ll need a thicker skin than their team’s defense.
In conclusion, this isn’t just a game—it’s a reminder that some rivalries are written in ink, not pencil. Iowa’s ink is permanent. Drake’s? It’s on a napkin.
Created: Nov. 13, 2025, 3:49 p.m. GMT