Prediction: Hawthorn Hawks VS Adelaide Crows 2025-09-12

Hawthorn Hawks vs. Adelaide Crows: A Semi-Final Showdown Where Injuries Meet History (and a PM’s Selfie)

Ladies and gentlemen, grab your pies and prepare for a semi-final that’s equal parts football and farce. The Hawthorn Hawks, fresh off a finals win but missing their star forward Calsher Dear (hamstring strain, presumably acquired while attempting a yoga pose post-goal), face the Adelaide Crows at the Oval—a venue where the Hawks have lost six of their last seven matches. Let’s break this down with the precision of a goal umpire and the humor of a comedian trapped in a change room.

Parsing the Odds: Who’s the Bookies’ Favorite?
The numbers don’t lie (well, they might if they’re trying to avoid a PM’s selfie). Adelaide is the slight favorite at -150 (implied probability: 60%), while Hawthorn checks in at +150 (40%). For context, Hawthorn’s chances here are about the same as me correctly predicting the outcome of a coin toss while juggling three oranges. The spread is a tight -3.5 for Adelaide, suggesting a low-scoring, nail-biter of a game. The total is set at 167.5, so expect a defensive slugfest where goals might be rarer than a Hawthorn win at Adelaide Oval.

Injury Report: Dear’s Absence and Lewis’s “VFL Magic”
Hawthorn’s forward line is currently what a cheeseburger looks like after a squirrel attack. Calsher Dear, who’d kicked 6 goals in 6 finals games, is out with a “low to moderate” hamstring strain—likely sustained while dodging a time-traveling kangaroo. His replacement? Mitch Lewis, the VFL savior who booted 4 goals from 11 touches in Box Hill’s semi-final. Lewis’s return from a knee injury is as reliable as a weather forecast in the Outback, but his 5 goals in 6 AFL games this season suggest he’s not entirely useless.

Adelaide’s injury report? A clean bill of health, thanks to a medical team that probably communicates in Latin and carries a time machine. Their only “problem” is a fanbase that’s been waiting since 2007 for a premiership—longer than it takes to master the art of kicking a behind.

Historical Context: The Adelaide Oval Curse
Hawthorn’s record at Adelaide Oval is worse than a baker’s dozen at a pikelet factory. They’ve lost six of their last seven here, including a three-point heartbreaker to Port Adelaide in the 2024 grand final. Captain Jai Newcombe claims the team is “ready to respond,” but let’s be real: This is the same team that once lost to GWS while the PM was in the locker room taking selfies. As one fan aptly put it, “Sam Mitchell’s face says it all—this is why we can’t have nice things.”

The PM’s Selfie: A Blessing or a Curse?
Post-victory rituals are sacred in footy. Hawthorn’s recent win over GWS was followed by Prime Minister Anthony Albanese barging into the locker room for a selfie with coach Sam Mitchell. The photo, captioned “Beauty,” was met with fan outrage—“Should be banned from the rooms!”—and now Mitchell’s face is etched into the collective memory of every Hawthorn supporter as the face of existential dread. Coincidentally, the Hawks lost their next game. Is this a curse? Possibly. Should we mention it in the analysis? Absolutely.

Prediction: Will the Hawks Fly, or Will They Fall Like a Heavy Bag?
Adelaide’s home advantage, Hawthorn’s injury woes, and the Oval’s historical hostility all point to a Crows’ victory. The Hawks’ best hope? A Lewis-led forward surge and a time-traveling Dear to kick a 50m goal in the final seconds. But let’s be realistic: Adelaide’s defense is tighter than a kangaroo’s hide, and their fans are louder than a bagpipe protest.

Final Verdict: Adelaide Crows by 8 points, unless the PM’s curse strikes again and we’re all treated to a last-minute behind from a confused Jai Newcombe.

Bet on Adelaide, unless you enjoy the sound of your own despair echoing through the Adelaide Oval. And for God’s sake, tie your shoelaces, Calsher. 🐦🇦🇺

Created: Sept. 8, 2025, 8:12 p.m. GMT

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