Prediction: Milwaukee Brewers VS Pittsburgh Pirates 2025-09-07
Brewers vs. Pirates: A Tale of Two Batting Averages (and Why the Pirates Should Consider a Different Sport)
The Milwaukee Brewers (-154) and Pittsburgh Pirates (+129) clash in a game thatâs as mismatched as a toaster trying to pitch against a Major League closer. Letâs break this down with the precision of a scout whoâs seen your Instagram stories and the humor of a dad joke about baseball.
Parse the Odds: Why the Brewers Are the Obvious Choice
The Brewers are favored at -154, implying a 60.6% chance to win. For the Pirates, +129 suggests bookmakers think theyâll win just 43.5% of the time. Those numbers arenât just oddsâtheyâre a math test the Pirates are failing.
Statistically, the Brewers are the second-highest scoring team in MLB, averaging 5.1 runs per game with a .259 batting average. Their lineup is a home-run parade: 726 total runs and a .435 slugging percentage. Meanwhile, the Pirates are the MLBâs worst in runs (520 total, 3.6 per game) and homers (102), with a .234 team average. Their offense is like a slow cookerâlow on power and takes forever to âcook.â
Pitching? The Brewersâ staff has a 3.61 ERA, while the Piratesâ staff? A bloated 4.52 ERA, despite a recent 2.76 mark. But hereâs the rub: Pittsburghâs pitchers have allowed 9 home runs in their last 10 games. Thatâs the kind of defense that makes you wonder if they accidentally ordered a pizza and forgot to tell the batters.
Digest the News: Injuries, Debutants, and Why the Pirates Should Panic
The Brewers are missing Rhys Hoskins (on IL) and Christian Yelich (back injury), but their depth is absurd. Brice Turang (.368 BA) and Jackson Chourio (.479 SLG) are hitting like theyâve got a personal vendetta against the strike zone. Meanwhile, the Pirates are relying on Bubba Chandler, a rookie making his MLB debut. His minor league stats are impressive (2.25 ERA, 6.8 K/9), but MLB hitters arenât exactly Little League.
The Piratesâ lineup? Itâs a whoâs who of âwhat if?â Bryan Reynolds (70 RBI) and Oneil Cruz (19 HR) are bright spots, but the rest of the team looks like theyâre batting with spoons. Tommy Pham has 17 doubles and 8 HRs, but thatâs less than half of Brice Turangâs RBI total. The Piratesâ pitching staff? Theyâve allowed 9 HRs in 10 gamesâa porousé˛çşż thatâs basically a welcome mat for Brewers hitters.
Humorous Spin: Because Baseball Needs More Laughs
The Brewersâ offense is so good, they could hit a home run with a teabag. Their .435 slugging percentage means theyâre not just hitting doublesâtheyâre hitting them into the next county. Jacob Misiorowski, their starter, has a .192 BA against and 12.9 K/9. Thatâs the kind of pitching that makes you wonder if the Piratesâ batters are using left-handed bats by accident.
The Pirates? Their MLB debutant, Chandler, is either a savior or a human Jenga block. His 2.25 ERA in the minors is nice, but MLB hitters arenât exactly scared of him. The Piratesâ lineup is so weak, theyâd need a miracle to winâlike a Deja vu all over again (classic baseball joke).
And letâs not forget the Piratesâ recent history: Theyâve lost more games than a toddler at a chess tournament. Their 64-79 record is a reminder that sometimes, âbuilding for the futureâ just means âlosing now, but with better excuses.â
Prediction: The Brewers Win, Unless the Pirates Steal the Game via Time Travel
The Brewersâ superior offense, pitching, and healthier roster make them a near-lock. Misiorowskiâs 3.44 ERA over his last 10 starts and the teamâs 9.4 hits per game will overwhelm Pittsburghâs shaky bullpen. The Piratesâ best hope is hoping Chandler pitches like a cyborg and the Brewersâ hitters collectively forget how to swing.
Final Score Prediction: Brewers 6, Pirates 2.
Why? Because the Brewersâ implied probability is 60.6%, their offense is a well-oiled Batmobile, and the Piratesâ lineup is a go-kart with training wheels. Unless Pittsburghâs batters discover a secret cheat code (like âswing at everything, even the dirtâ), this is a rout.
Bet: Brewers -1.5 (-220) and Over 7.5 (-185). The Brewersâ bats and Piratesâ porous pitching ensure enough runs to make this a slugfest.
In conclusion, the Pirates should trade their bats for a better team. Or maybe just take up synchronized swimming.
Created: Sept. 7, 2025, 4:01 p.m. GMT