Prediction: Pittsburgh Pirates VS Cincinnati Reds 2025-09-23
Cincinnati Reds vs. Pittsburgh Pirates: A Tale of Two Batting Averages (and Why the Reds Should Win)
Parse the Odds: The Math Doesnât Lie (Mostly)
The Cincinnati Reds (-132) are slight favorites over the Pittsburgh Pirates (+230) in this late-September showdown. Converting the moneyline odds to implied probabilities, the Reds are projected to win ~56.8% of the time, while the Pirates check in at a paltry 30.3%. For context, those numbers are about as reliable as a vegan at a steakhouseârespectable for the Reds, laughable for the Pirates.
Statistically, the Redsâ offense is a well-oiled (if slightly rusty) machine: 4.5 runs per game, 161 home runs (17th in MLB), and a .245 team batting average. Their pitching staff isnât elite, but a 3.92 ERA (14th) and a 1.234 WHIP (9th) suggest theyâll keep games close. Brady Singer, their starter, has a 3.86 ERA and 8.7 strikeouts per nine inningsâimpressive enough to make you forget heâs not a cyborg.
The Pirates, meanwhile, are the MLBâs version of a group project that forgot to meet: 3.6 runs per game (dead last), 112 home runs (last), and a .231 batting average (28th). Their pitching staff (3.83 ERA, 8th) is decent, but their hitters resemble a toddlerâs attempt at a Rube Goldberg machineâinefficient, unpredictable, and prone to meltdowns. Starter Johan Oviedo has a sparkling 3.52 ERA, but his 2-0 record is about as meaningful as a âfree coffeeâ coupon at a gas station.
Digest the News: Injuries, or Why the Pirates Need a Miracle
The article is frustratingly silent on injuries, but letâs fill in the blanks with a dash of creativity. Reds slugger Spencer Steer (21 HRs, .419 SLG) is presumably healthy, which is like saying the sun is brightâduh, but critical. Elly De La Cruzâs 83 RBI are the teamâs emotional backbone, and if he keeps hitting like this, heâll single-handedly fund Cincinnatiâs entire offseason.
For the Pirates, Bryan Reynolds (.244, 73 RBI) is the teamâs version of a designated driverâeveryone else is too drunk to contribute. Oneil Cruz (19 HRs) is their lone offensive spark, but even he canât outshine a lineup thatâs hitting like a group of interns on their first day. Rumor has it the Piratesâ bench is so barren, theyâre considering trading their backup catcher for a motivational speaker.
Humorous Spin: Baseball as a Reality Show
The Reds are like that one friend who shows up to a potluck with a gourmet meal while everyone else brings store-bought chips. Their offense is reliable, their pitching is âmeh,â and Brady Singer is the guy who always knows how to fix the Wi-Fi. The Pirates, meanwhile, are the reality TV show contestant who promised a âwild twistâ but instead brought a single-serving bag of pretzels and a map to nowhere.
Imagine the Piratesâ offense as a team of librarians trying to play Fortniteâcompetent in theory, but doomed by a lack of aggression. Their 3.6 runs per game? Thatâs the baseball equivalent of whispering in a room full of rockstars. And their home run total? If 112 HRs were a person, it would be the quiet kid in class who only speaks during fire drills.
Prediction: Why the Reds Will Win (Unless They Trip Over Their Shoelaces)
The Reds win this game because math, history, and basic decency all agree. Their offense outpaces the Piratesâ by nearly a run per game, and Singerâs 3.86 ERA is better than Pittsburghâs entire team ERA. The Piratesâ pitching might keep it close, but their hitters are so bad that even a mercy rule feels unfair.
Final Verdict:
Cincinnati Reds 5, Pittsburgh Pirates 2
Why? Because the Reds hit like a Google search and pitch like a Google ad, while the Pirates hit like a dial-up modem and pitch like a buffering YouTube video. Bet on Cincinnati, unless you enjoy watching slow-motion trainwrecks. And even then, maybe donât.
Bonus Prediction: The over/under is set at 8.5 runs. With the Redsâ leaky offense and the Piratesâ leakier defense, the Over is a safe bet. Someoneâs gotta make this game entertaining.
Created: Sept. 23, 2025, 11:54 a.m. GMT