Prediction: Richmond Spiders VS North Carolina Tar Heels 2025-09-13
UNC vs. Richmond: A Tale of Football, Helmets, and Why the Tar Heels Should Win (Probably)
Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round for a tale of two teams: one a storied FBS program with the swagger of a college football aristocrat, and the other an FCS underdog with a $400,000 paydays and a quarterback who looks like Ben Roethlisberger but throws like a guy named “Ben Who Took a Job at the Roethlisberger Oil Change Center.” Let’s break this down, shall we?
Parsing the Odds: Why Your Grandma Could Predict This
The numbers here are about as subtle as a football being thrown into a swimming pool. North Carolina is a 96% favorite to win this game (per decimal odds of ~1.04), while Richmond’s chances hover around 8% (odds of ~12.0). That’s not a mismatch—it’s a math error. The spread? UNC is favored by 21.5–22.5 points, which is basically the margin of error for how many times Richmond’s offense will fumble the ball tonight.
Richmond’s defense, meanwhile, is statistically competent. They allow just 15.5 points per game and sack opposing QBs at a rate that would make a hyena nod in approval (2.5 sacks per game). But their offense? It’s the football equivalent of a toaster oven that only toasts one slice of bread at a time. They average 14 points per game, with QB Kyle Wickersham completing 69.4% of his passes for a grand total of… one touchdown. Yes, you read that right. In two games. His two interceptions? Well, that’s just the universe gently suggesting he try a different hobby, like interpretive dance or tax auditing.
News Digest: Helmets, Helmets, and More Helmets
Richmond has embraced football’s future: in-helmet communication. Coaches can now whisper sweet nothings (or urgent play calls) directly into QB Wickersham’s ear via a system activated until the play clock hits 15 seconds. The helmets of users are marked with bright-green stickers, which probably make players look like they’re part of a neon-lit dodgeball team. Wickersham called it a “big advantage,” which is rich coming from a guy who’s never had to audible because his offense runs like a spreadsheet.
On the other side, UNC is treating this game like a football version of The Great British Bake Off. It’s not about winning—it’s about refining execution. The Tar Heels haven’t lost to an FCS team since 1999 (to Furman, a program that probably still has film of that game stored in a VCR). Their all-time record against Richmond? A tidy 12–2. The Spiders’ lone win in 1978? That’s older than half of UNC’s current roster.
Humor: The Sport of Absurd Analogies
Let’s talk about Richmond’s offense. They average 226.5 yards per game, which is about as explosive as a wet noodle on a treadmill. Their rushing attack (93.5 yards/game) would make a sedentary librarian blush with envy. Wickersham, meanwhile, is a “physical runner,” per Bill Belichick, which is like calling a glacier a “rapid mover.” The new helmet tech? It’s the football equivalent of giving a goldfish a PhD—it’s something, but not useful.
As for UNC? They’re here to polish their offensive execution, which is as refined as a five-star Michelin meal compared to Richmond’s… well, a microwave dinner that forgot to heat up.
Prediction: The Unlikely Plot Twist
Look, the math is clear: UNC wins this by 25 points, give or take a hula hoop. Richmond’s defense will put up a valiant effort, like a single tree trying to stop a hurricane, but UNC’s offense will methodically pick apart the Spiders’ secondary. The only real question is whether Wickersham’s helmet stickers will cause a distracting amount of glitter to rain down on the field.
Richmond could pull off a miracle, sure. But that would require:
1. Wickersham throwing two touchdowns without an interception.
2. UNC’s offense collectively deciding to take a 45-minute nap.
3. The universe rewriting history to make Furman a powerhouse again.
In short? Bet on UNC. Not because they’re perfect—because they’re not. But because Richmond’s chances are about as likely as a snowball in a sauna… unless that sauna is in Aspen, and the snowball is also a millionaire.
Final Score Prediction: UNC 31, Richmond 7.
And if it’s closer? Send the Spiders my email. I’ll take their $400,000 and an apology. 🏈
Created: Sept. 13, 2025, 10:13 a.m. GMT