Prediction: Robert Morris Colonials VS West Virginia Mountaineers 2025-08-30
West Virginia Mountaineers vs. Robert Morris Colonials: A Homecoming Farce with a 38.5-Point Spread
Ladies and gentlemen, prepare for a football spectacle so lopsided it could make a crooked teeter-totter blush. West Virginia, fresh off Rich Rodriguez’s triumphant return to Morgantown (where he once coached like a mad scientist with a clipboard), hosts Robert Morris in a matchup that’s less “game” and more “geography lesson.” The Mountaineers are favored by 38.5 points, a spread so vast it could fit the entire Robert Morris offense inside it with room for a halftime snack. Let’s break this down with the precision of a quarterback who never throws picks… or West Virginia’s defense, which allows 31.9 points per game (110th in FBS).
Odds & Stats: A Math Class for the Ages
West Virginia’s offense is a mixed bag: 29.2 points per game (decent) but only 193.7 rushing yards (27th, which is “respectable” in college football’s D-minus league). Their defense? A sieve that would make a Swiss cheese factory weep. Allowing 415.2 yards per game is like letting a toddler loose in a candy store—inevitably, someone gets a sugar rush and chaos ensues. Robert Morris, meanwhile, is an FCS team with a 23.2-point average and a defense that shuts teams down like a parent saying “no more screen time.” The Colonials’ 20.2 points allowed per game? That’s elite, even in the FCS. But here’s the kicker: WVU’s offense isn’t exactly a juggernaut, and their defense is a liability. So, mathematically, this game should resemble a lopsided algebra problem: 38.5-point spread + RMU’s “I’ll try not to embarrass you” effort = a Mountaineers victory so inevitable it could be taught in sports betting 101.
News & Notes: Eligibility Drama and Coaching Carousel
Rich Rodriguez’s return is less “homecoming” and more “here’s hoping the legal drama doesn’t upend the roster.” Defensive end Jimmori Robinson, a transfer from UTSA, is stuck in NCAA limbo, ineligible until the appeals process concludes. It’s the college sports version of Law & Order: Eligibility Edition. Meanwhile, Robert Morris is a team in flux, with six new coaches and a QB, Zach Tanner, who threw for 453 yards last season—impressive, until you realize that’s about 400 fewer yards than West Virginia’s entire offense gains in a typical game. The Colonials’ coach, Bernard Clark Jr., admitted they “lost 30–40 guys” to the transfer portal. That’s not a roster—it’s a mass exodus.
The Humor: Absurdity as a Sport
Let’s be real: Robert Morris’s best chance is to hope West Virginia’s offense remembers how to block. With Jahiem White (845 rushing yards last season) and Nicco Marchiol (5 TD passes) on the field, the Mountaineers have enough firepower to light up the scoreboard like a Christmas tree. But their defense? Imagine a castle with no moat, no drawbridge, and a sign that says “Knock all you want.” As for RMU’s offense, Zach Tanner will probably throw a pick-six or two, but at least it’ll make the game slightly more entertaining than watching paint dry.
Prediction: A Foregone Conclusion
West Virginia wins by 38.5 points, or more, because Robert Morris isn’t just an FCS team—they’re an FCS team that just finished third in their preseason poll. That’s like being the third-best ice sculptor in a competition where the prize is a block of ice. The Colonials’ defense might keep the score respectable (20 points allowed, after all), but WVU’s offense will methodically pick them apart like a food critic dissecting a poorly made sandwich.
Final Whistle
Bottom line: This is a game where Robert Morris’s only victory will be avoiding a 50-point rout. West Virginia’s Rich Rodriguez can celebrate his homecoming with a win, while RMU’s fans should bring a book. The spread is so generous, even if the Mountaineers fumble three times, they’ll still win by 20. Bet on WVU, unless you enjoy the sound of your own voice saying, “I told you they’d cover the spread!” while sipping a beer at the Berkeley Springs Brewing Company.
Final Score Prediction: West Virginia 42, Robert Morris 3 (RMU’s QB throws a TD, just to keep the game from being entirely unsportsmanlike).
Created: Aug. 29, 2025, 3:55 p.m. GMT