Recap: Los Angeles Dodgers VS Tampa Bay Rays 2025-08-03

"Dodgers vs. Cardinals: A Tale of Two St. Louises (and Why Glasnow’s Fastball is the Real Star)"

Parse the Odds:
The Los Angeles Dodgers (65-47) are baseball’s version of a Netflix original series—everyone’s watching, and they’re thisclose to a playoff binge. The St. Louis Cardinals (56-57), meanwhile, are like a streaming service that forgot to cancel a subscription: still paying $15/month for fourth place. On the mound, the Dodgers deploy Tyler Glasnow, a pitcher whose fastball velocity makes a cheetah’s sprint look like a toddler’s crawl. Last season, Glasnow struck out 12 batters per game—imagine the Cardinals’ offense, which ranks 24th in runs scored, trying to solve him. It’s like asking a goldfish to solve a Rubik’s Cube.

Sonny Gray, the Cardinals’ starter, has the ERA of a man who once bet his paycheck on a slot machine. His 5.12 ERA this season suggests he’s more “slow-cooker” than “pressure cooker”—effective over time, but not exactly a game-breaker. Historically, the Dodgers have owned the Cardinals in August, winning 62% of August matchups since 2020. Why? Maybe it’s the LA sunshine melting St. Louis’ resolve like a $2.50 ice cream cone at a Dodger Stadium hot dog stand.

Digest the News:
Recent Cardinals headlines read like a sitcom: “Player Trips Over Own Feet, Injures Hope,” or “Manager Mike Shildt Told to ‘Stop Overthinking’ by a Fan in a Batting Cage.” Seriously, their offense is so anemic that their best hitter, Paul Goldschmidt, has been compared to a dimmer switch—occasionally flickering to life but mostly just casting a sad glow. Meanwhile, the Dodgers’ offense is like a fully stocked buffet at a family reunion: abundant, chaotic, and guaranteed to leave you full. Their lineup boasts 11 players with 15+ home runs, including Freddie Freeman, who’s hitting so well he’s made “souvenir” look like a dirty word.

Humorous Spin:
The Cardinals’ best chance? Praying Glasnow has a night where his control resembles a toddler on a tricycle—unpredictable, but at least it’s entertaining. Alas, Glasnow’s been as steady as a Swiss watch this season, with a 3.14 ERA and a strikeout-to-walk ratio that makes a math teacher blush (3.8:1). As for the Dodgers’ defense, it’s so sharp it could cut through the Cardinals’ offense like a hot knife through a St. Louis-style toasted ravioli (which, let’s be real, is a thing of beauty. Respect.).

Prediction:
The Dodgers win this series like a Netflix password shared by three households—dominantly and with zero regard for the Cardinals’ feelings. Glasnow’s heat will leave Sonny Gray grasping for shade, and the Cards’ bats will go silent faster than a Bud Light ad during a beer commercial. Final score? Probably something like 5-2. Bet on the Dodgers unless you’re a masochist who enjoys rooting for a team that’s, uh, “building for the future.” As the Cardinals’ players trudge off the field, they’ll be asking themselves, “Did we really need three-run homers from our backup catcher?” The answer: No. The Dodgers don’t even need their backup catcher to score three runs. They just need coffee.

Final Verdict: Dodgers in three. The Cardinals can take solace in their 1926 World Series title. It’s still valid. Probably.

Created: Aug. 5, 2025, 3:54 p.m. GMT