Recap: Philadelphia Phillies VS Miami Marlins 2025-06-16
Phillies Outduel Marlins in a "Boring but Effective" Thriller (5-2)
Because Nothing Says "Excitement" Like a 2.35 ERA vs. a 7.14 ERA
In a game that had all the energy of a tax audit, the Philadelphia Phillies (43-29) extended their winning streak to five games—yes, they’re now one win away from a clean sweep of the Miami Marlins’ dignity—by defeating the Marlins 5-2. The final score was less a “game” and more a math problem: What’s 2.35 ERA minus 7.14 ERA? Answer: A five-run deficit, and not the fun kind where you’re down 5-0 and then rally. Nope. This was the “you’re down 5-0 and then… yawn, game over” kind.
Mick Abel, the Phillies’ rookie phenom (or “Mick the Miller,” depending on his last start), was the human equivalent of a “Do Not Disturb” sign for the Marlins’ offense. The Phillies’ 1-0 starter with a 2.35 ERA looked like he’d been binge-watching Moneyball and decided to play baseball. He allowed just two runs over six innings, which is about as shocking as seeing the Marlins’ offense hit .276. Wait—Kyle Stowers hit .276. The rest of Miami’s lineup? Still figuring out how to swing a bat.
Sandy Alcantara, the Marlins’ “ace” (if “ace” is code for “former All-Star who’s currently being haunted by the ghost of 7.14 ERA,”) was outpitched by a guy named Mick Abel. For context, Alcantara had just “blanked the Pirates for six innings,” which is baseball’s version of silencing a room full of toddlers. But against Philly? He looked like he’d forgotten how to throw a curveball and tried to improvise with a… spitball?
The Phillies’ offense, led by the “Big Four” of Trea Turner (who’s still here?), Kyle Schwarber (who’s still here?), Nick Castellanos (who’s still here?), and Alec Bohm (who’s… still here?), didn’t do much besides outscore the Marlins. They managed five runs, which is one more than Miami’s entire season of meaningful runs. The Marlins, meanwhile, must’ve thought they’d hit 10 homers this year. They did. But here’s the kicker: Kyle Stowers hit nine of them. The rest of the team combined to hit one.
SportsLine’s Projection Model, which had a 27-23 “run on top-rated MLB sides” and was “leaning Over on the total (9.7 runs),” clearly forgot to account for the fact that the Marlins’ offense is powered by a prayer and a dream. The final combined total of seven runs was about as close to 9.7 as a vegan is to a steakhouse.
Honorable Mention: The Mets, who were swept by the Rays, are now 0.000% likely to catch the Phillies unless they invent a time machine and trade for Mick Abel’s start. Also, handicapper Stitches, who’s been “in the black twice since 2019,” probably bet on this game and thought, “I’ll take the Phillies. They’re the only team here not named the Marlins.”
Final Score: Phillies 5, Marlins 2.
Moral of the Story: Never challenge a team with a 2.35 ERA to a game of “pitch like nobody’s on base.” They’ll oblige.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to check if the Marlins’ next opponent is the Harlem Globetrotters. 🏟️⚾
Created: June 17, 2025, 2:23 a.m. GMT