Recap: Vålerenga VS SK Brann 2025-09-13
Brann vs. Vålerenga: A Soap Opera of Bicycle Kicks, Red Cards, and Existential Crises
In a match that could only be described as Norwegian Wood meets Goal!, SK Brann edged Vålerenga 3-2 in a September 13 thriller that left fans questioning their life choices, their team’s tactics, and whether Henrik Bjørdal’s red card was a crime or a mercy killing. Let’s break this down with the precision of a Norwegian tax auditor and the humor of a stand-up comedian who’s had one too many lefse sandwiches.
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### Parse the Odds: A Statistical Deep Dive
Brann’s 3-2 win moved them to third in the Eliteserien, eight points ahead of Bodø/Glimt and five ahead of Viking. Vålerenga, meanwhile, remain seventh, statistically closer to a mid-table rock band than a title contender. The key stat? Brann’s 30-point lead over Bodø/Glimt is roughly equivalent to the number of times Vålerenga’s defense has said “no” this season.
Felix Horn Myhre, celebrating his 150th appearance for Brann, scored the game-tying “brassespark” (bicycle kick) in the 56th minute—a goal so spectacular it could be added to the Norwegian UNESCO World Heritage List. Ulrik Mathisen, who later notched his first league goal of the season, claimed the assist, which is statistically less impressive than claiming a free coffee at a gas station, but more impressive than Vålerenga’s entire offensive output.
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### Digest the News: Injuries, Quotes, and Red Cards
Let’s start with the drama. Horn Myhre, who’s been linked to Bodø/Glimt, scored his 150th Brann goal while presumably thinking, “I’ll stay loyal… for now. Just don’t expect me to clean my room.” His post-match quote—“Jeg vet ikke om jeg har godt av å se denne på nytt igjen altfor mange ganger, men dette var deilig” (“I don’t know if I’d want to watch this again too many times, but it was nice”)—is the Norwegian equivalent of a sports philosopher.
Vålerenga’s lone highlight? Filip Thorvaldsen’s goal, assisted by Elias Sørensen. But their hopes crumbled when Henrik Bjørdal was sent off in stoppage time for a high kick that would’ve made a WWE wrestler blush. The red card was so dramatic, it could’ve been a plot twist in The Sopranos.
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### Humorous Spin: Absurdity Meets Analysis
Brann’s defense looked like a group of penguins trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube—clumsy, but ultimately effective. Goalkeeper Oscar Hedvall made “several key saves,” which is code for “he prevented Vålerenga from scoring more than 2 goals, which is basically a miracle.”
Vålerenga’s offense, on the other hand, was like a Norwegian smørbrød (open-faced sandwich): ambitious in theory, but lacking in execution. Their 2-1 goal from Vegar Eggen Hedenstad was their only bright spot, but even that was overshadowed by Bjørdal’s red card. If Vålerenga’s strategy was a movie, it’d be titled The Hangover: Part III—chaotic, forgettable, and ending with someone’s passport getting stolen.
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### Prediction: The Verdict
While this match is already in the books, let’s project forward. If Brann and Vålerenga meet again, bet on Brann to win unless Vålerenga’s players start tying their shoelaces before kickoff (a lesson they clearly didn’t learn from Bjørdal’s red card). Brann’s depth, with Horn Myhre’s flair and Mathisen’s newfound scoring touch, makes them the statistical favorite. Vålerenga? They’ll need to trade their “soap opera” energy for a playbook and maybe a better offside trap.
In the end, Brann’s 3-2 win was as chaotic as a IKEA assembly line but just as satisfying when you finally figure out where the Allen wrench went. As Horn Myhre would say: “Deilig, but don’t ask me to watch it again.”
Final Verdict: Brann wins the narrative, the points, and probably the rights to that UNESCO bicycle-kick monument. Vålerenga? They’ll need to find a new hobby besides improvisational theater.
Created: Sept. 14, 2025, 3:03 a.m. GMT